Old Memories Doesn’t Let You Sleep
It was 12 o’clock at midnight, and I couldn’t sleep. Staring at the pale yellow ceiling made me worry that my sleepless nights are back! But I knew it was just for tonight, and how could I sleep knowing that at this very moment my ex-best friend would be celebrating his birthday.
And how do you expect someone to sleep calmly when one particular day reminds you of something that you don’t want to recall at all.
All the thoughts of him which were buried deep down in my heart somehow managed to crawl up to my mind occupying 90% of my thoughts and the rest 10% was full of thoughts of not thinking about that particular thing! This was making me restless.
Doesn’t it makes you angry that when you don’t want to remember something, but while focusing on the thought that you must not recall this very particular thing you start to recall every possible thing related to it and you wish you had formatted these memories from your mind and heart as well.
I was getting furious over thinking this!
And once your anger reaches its peak point you need to do something to end your anger from your body, and you think of all the possible negative ways in which you can hurt yourself or break your favourite thing or just shout at somebody. Anger is evil; it doesn’t leave without breaking anything apart!
So, in order to control my anger, I took one of my stuff toys and started picking out its fur with my fingers, while doing so, I cursed almost everything. I gasped and tried an alternative method to overcome my anger. I slid my laptop which was as usual sleeping next to me and logged into my Facebook account. My favorite thing is to scroll my news feed till my eyes are tired to sleep. But, tonight it was different while scrolling I saw one of my batch mates had posted his picture with a birthday cake which read “Happy Birthday Satyam”. I didn’t know how to react. I just kept gazing that picture until tears came rolling down my eyes.
And yes! The ultimate end of anger is ‘Tears’. The moment when you feel so weak to be angry, the other emotional part of yours grabs you tightly and you feel so helpless that you let your anger to go in tears.
I cried till my eyes started to burn. I closed my laptop very slowly, gently and kept it on my reading table. Even my laptop must have witnessed such care from my side after months.
I wiped off my tears and went straight to the washroom to wash my face. While staring myself at the mirror, I cursed myself for being so stupid to cry and then I laughed saying “Neha, that was so lame. You cried? Chii” and I burst out laughing.
The soft side of me was evoked, so I was doing things very slowly and carefully without rushing. I wiped my face, switched off the lights and came back to bed. And Again I started to stare at the pale yellow ceiling. I closed my eyes and started dwelling in my memories. Though it was very painful to recall those things, yet I decided to do so. Because I knew that my mind wouldn’t let me go in peace.
Exactly One Year Ago
It was midsummer and the heat of the scorching sun was at its peak, to soothe ourselves we all were gathered around the pool in my farm house. It was going to be Satyam’s birthday in 2 days. We all decided to throw a grand party as it was going to be our last year of college. We made the list of every possible known person to invite. We planned the whole party, booked the caterers and DJ. I was hoping for it to be a very good day.
Finally, the day came and everything went very well. It was past midnight, we all were very tired of the party we did. Everyone was so drunk, the most of the people were throwing up and there was a huge line in front of the bathroom.
Realizing that college day will be over soon I got a bit emotional. With beer in one hand I went to the terrace where Satyam was already there, standing on the edge and leaning over from there. I shouted sarcastically, “Oh, please! Shut your drama off, we are all very tired to mourn your death, do it some other day”.
He didn’t say anything and returned back to the stairs. I sat beside him very closely and said, “Buddy, college life is gonna end soon. I’m going to miss all these, all these stuff and fun and most of all, I’m gonna miss you the most.”
He still didn’t say anything. I continued “Satyam, you know why I beat you up every time? I don’t do that on purpose…It’s just I want to be close to you, touch you, be next to you. Every time when I sit behind you on your bike, I always want to hold you tightly, I even tried few times but like always you told me to sit properly, and I used to smile stupidly. Satyam, I have never said this to you directly, I always thought you would understand through my behaviors, but you never did. There were days when I badly wanted to tell you about my feelings but was afraid to say so. So, I never did, but I’m saying these now. It might be the alcohol that gave me the strength to say these but I need you to listen very carefully. Satyam, I love you. I’m in love with you since 2 years, but the thoughts of losing you as my friend made me not to confess my feelings. Yet, I’m saying now. I love you, I love you Satyam wholeheartedly”.
There was silence between us, he still said nothing, I gently placed my hand on his hand and realized he was shivering. I panicked and asked him, what happened, he still said nothing. I asked again “Satyam, what happened? What is wrong?” He pushed me apart forcefully and said, “Why do you care? Why does anybody care? No one gives a shit about my feelings, my life, and my choices. Even you, you are messing me up with your feelings, but you never asked about mine.
I said, “Satyam, this is not true, we all care about you, we all love you. What happened to you so sudden? Just tell me, I’m here. I’m here for you”. And I came closer to him. He pushed me again and shouted “I don’t love you Neha, I never did. You’re so selfish that you only care about your life and your feelings, just leave me alone, and go away”.
I said, “Satyam what is wrong with you? Why are you saying all these things, I love you, I really do. Just come with me, let’s go downstairs and let’s get you to sleep. Come on.”
He again pushed me and said, “You know what, what everyone calls you? They call you my puppet. They say that you are way too easy for me to get. I can have you anytime I want because there is this ‘Love me Satyam’ expression on your face every time. Do you like this? Ah! Sure you do. But I never loved you, never. So just stop whoring around and leave me be!”
I stood there still, eyes wide open and wondering what have I just heard? Are those his words?
It didn’t take me long to leave the place. I got downstairs and went straight to my garage, took my scooty and left my own farm house.
After that, I never met him again, never spoke to him again. I blocked him on social sites, blocked all his contacts with me. I refused to meet anyone, changed my number and never gave my new number to anyone. After a few days I left for Nainital. I had a 10 months internship in an advertising company.
That night made a very brutal impact on my life. I communicated very less, made very fewer friends. I was turning into an unsocial person. Friends from the past tried to contact me for many days but I simply refused to meet, to talk. Even Lily often called me, but I talked very less. I didn’t even tell what happened that night to anyone.
Almost 11 months passed since that night, it was my last day in Nainital, the very next day I had a flight back to my hometown. I was feeling very weird to go back, but I had to go. While packing my bag I realized I was remembering that night again.
I didn’t tell anyone about my arrival. One month passed. Once I called Lily to meet and started crying in front of her. I said nothing about that night just that I and Satyam had a great fight and I’m not talking to him since. She consoled me and hugged me while I cried like a baby. She told me that you guys used to be best friends, whatever the matter is, talk to each other and solve. But I refuse to take any of her suggestions on this matter.
Few more days passed
I barely used to go out, every day I would snuggle up in my bed watching all possible movies and TV series I could. Then one afternoon, I was watching the last episode of the TV series named ‘Friends’. Watching that last episode made me so sad that, I was crying through the whole episode.
It’s very hard for you to handle yourself when you are going through an emotional breakdown.
So, I called Lily and asked her to come over, She agreed to come. It was 6 in the evening; I was all wrapped up in my blanket with a bucket of ice cream in my hand. I heard my door bell rang. Thinking, it must be Lily, I ran to open the door. But to my surprise, It was Satyam!
He was standing there with balloons and a placard which read “I’m Sorry Neha”. I didn’t know how to respond, all I wanted to do was to close the door, but seeing him after so many months made me a bit soft. There were tears in my eyes. He noticed this and started saying, “Come on Neha, please forgive me, you know na I’m a big jerk. Please, please can you forgive me?”
With tears in my eyes and stammering words I said,” No, no Satyam, I can never forgive you for the words you said to me. I can never get them out of my mind, so just please go. I don’t want to talk to you please go!
Satyam- “But, Neha I have come here to resolve things between us, you don’t know my part of the story. You don’t know what happened earlier that night before you came to the terrace to see me. Just listen to me once, if you are still angry after hearing me, then I Promise I will never bother you again but please just listen to me once, please will you?
I nodded my head and said, “Go on, explain your awful behaviour”. He asked “Can we go inside? I’m feeling cold here” but I refused and said him to explain there itself.
Because all I wanted was to punish him!
He started “Neha, you know me very well, even I used to tell you everything, whether it was good or bad. But there is this one secret I have been hiding my whole life. I didn’t even tell you because I was afraid that you will not understand me and will leave me forever. Neha, the thing is I never loved you; in fact, I never loved any girl. I never developed any feelings for any girl. This might sound weird to you, but I really have other preferences. I’m not like other guys, I have known my identity for a long time, but the fear of being a subject of mockery made me not to share this with anyone. On that night of my 22nd birthday, I gathered the courage to tell my mother about it. I went to the terrace to call her; after I said everything to her you know what she said? She was so angry and upset that she said I was a disgrace to our family; she just abandoned me of being part of my own family. She told me not to come home ever again, if I need something I should just let her know, she will send me, but she doesn’t want to see my face ever again. And since then, I have never been back to my home.
While saying all these, Satyam started to sob. “Neha, hearing such things from my own mother shattered me, I was feeling so miserable that I decided to commit suicide, I was about to jump but then you came. I was unaware of my own words; I don’t know what was coming out of my mouth as I was out of my senses. Later I realized that hurting you was the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I tried to contact you, but you changed your number. I contacted every friend of ours but they also had no idea about you. I came to your house, but no one was here. I asked Lily but she refused to tell me anything. I was passing by in the street today when I saw Lily. I heard she was talking to you. I was so glad that you were in town. I talked to Lily and convinced her not to come here. Neha, I know that I have hurt you very badly. I said things which I never dreamed of saying to you. I know that night is like a nightmare to you, but please understand that I was in a very bad situation myself. Neha, I’m really sorry, Please forgive me. If you want to slap me, punch me, hit me… just do it, I would not mind. But please Neha forgive me” He waited for me say anything. But for me, I was still stuck at the things he just revealed to me.. I couldn’t say anything.. I froze!
His voice was fading out.. I heard him saying “Will you please be my friend again?”
I still didn’t say anything.. In my head, I heard my own voice saying .. “Oh! You poor soul”
Then he sat on his one knee and with balloons and an ice cream bucket in his hand, he asked me, “Neha, will you please be my friend again? Please?”
I nodded yes. He stood up, I hugged him and we both cried!
Satyam – “Can we go inside now? My hands are freezing”.
I said, “Yes idiot, now we can..by the way happy birthday Satyam”.